A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before.” “What can I get for you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
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Tag: short
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Giving Birth
A woman is giving birth. She pushes and pushes and finally the baby pops free. The doctor holds the baby up by its feet and declares, “it’s a handsome baby boy!”
He then punches it in the head, throws it against the wall and runs over and jumps on it with both feet.
The horrified mother screams, “my baby! You’re killing my baby!”
To which the doctor replies, “I’m just fucking with you. It was already dead.”
My doctor said I can play with myself anytime I want!
My wife tells me that’s not what “you could have a stroke at any moment” means.
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!”
The officer laughs and says, “Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”
The wife replies: “Bullsht! He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months!”
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?
A family portrait!
Do you know why melons need to have large weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
A witch was riding her broom when she noticed all the other witches were riding vacuum cleaners.
She thought to herself “does anyone know how to drive a stick anymore?”
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Which Viewpoint?
Optimist: the glass is 1/2 full
Pessimist: the glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: 2-Jan
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A Gorilla Walks Into A Bar…
A gorilla walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender slides him a beer and says “That will be $11. We don’t get many gorillas coming in here.”
The gorilla says “With the prices you charge, I’m not surprised!”
Your mom is so short, when she went to the zoo, it was animal crackers!