A man at the grocery store goes to the checkout with a banana, an apple, and 2 eggs.  The cashier says “You must be single.”

The man replies, “Yes I am, how did you know?”

The cashier says “Because you are ugly.”

I was sitting on the sofa watching some TV last night, when my wife from the bedroom yelled, “Do you ever get pains in your chest like someone with a voodoo doll is stabbing it?” I replied, “No.”

Then she asked, “How about now?”

What’s the difference between an elephant and a grape.

One of them is a grape.

My wife gave me some bad news today.  She told me that my son is not actually mine.

She asked me to pay more attention at the school pickup line.

What do you call a can opener that’s broken?

Can’t opener

What did John Lennon and Yoko Ono say to their son Sean Lennon when he would not eat his vegetables?

All we are saying, is give peas a chance.

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys, and phone”

What do you call the first person standing in a line?

“Next!”

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

A thesaurus.

What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down 5 miles from the blood bank?

A cab.

Saw this one on SpongeBob lol.