What’s blue and not heavy at all?

Light blue.

I invented a thought controlled air freshener.

How does it work you say?

It makes a lot of scents if you think about it.

I’m trying to respect other cultures more.  To do it, I’ve been saying mucho to my Mexican friends lately.

It really means a lot to them.

Where do you take someone who gets injured playing peekaboo?

To the ICU!

I like to sing in my car, but only in reverse gear.

Iust be a backup singer.

A man at the grocery store goes to the checkout with a banana, an apple, and 2 eggs.  The cashier says “You must be single.”

The man replies, “Yes I am, how did you know?”

The cashier says “Because you are ugly.”

I was sitting on the sofa watching some TV last night, when my wife from the bedroom yelled, “Do you ever get pains in your chest like someone with a voodoo doll is stabbing it?” I replied, “No.”

Then she asked, “How about now?”

What’s the difference between an elephant and a grape.

One of them is a grape.

My wife gave me some bad news today.  She told me that my son is not actually mine.

She asked me to pay more attention at the school pickup line.

What do you call a can opener that’s broken?

Can’t opener