gummibearheadsplease don’t judge me
A man looking for company hires a budget escort for $5. The next morning the man discovered he now has a case of the crabs.
The man confronts the lady and said ” you gave me crabs!”
The lady replied, “what did you want? Lobster?”
A woman is giving birth. She pushes and pushes and finally the baby pops free. The doctor holds the baby up by its feet and declares, “it’s a handsome baby boy!”
He then punches it in the head, throws it against the wall and runs over and jumps on it with both feet.
The horrified mother screams, “my baby! You’re killing my baby!”
To which the doctor replies, “I’m just fucking with you. It was already dead.”
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?
A family portrait!
What does D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexia Association
What’s the difference between a child and a bag of coke?
Eric Clapton won’t let a bag of coke fall out a window.
I used to have an epileptic goldfish. He was ok as long as I didn’t take him out of his bowl.
What do you get when you mix Goat DNA and Human DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
I passed a kid on the street. He was sitting on the curb and dressed in rags.
II asked him, “Are you an orphan?
He replied, “Yes. What gave me away?
I said, “Your parents.”
Don’t you hate it when you’re driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough, grandma is fingering herself again.
How many midgets does it take to change a lightbulb?
One with a step-ladder. They’re short, not stupid.