gummibearheadsA grasshopper walks into a bar and takes a seat. The grasshopper says “man I’m really depressed”.
The bartender says “I have a drink named after you that should cheer you up!”
The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Fred!?!”
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before.” “What can I get for you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please.”
The bartender tells him, “I used to have a stutter too. Then one day, my wife gave me head, and from that point on I was cured!” The guy gets really excited and runs out the door without ever getting his beer.
The next day, the guy walks back into the bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please.” The bartender asks him, “It didn’t work, huh?” The guy says, “N-n-nope. B-but y-your h-h-house is r-r-really n-n-nice.”
A gorilla walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender slides him a beer and says “That will be $11. We don’t get many gorillas coming in here.”
The gorilla says “With the prices you charge, I’m not surprised!”
A bunch of guys walk into a bar..
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese,
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink.
While he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy says, “No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.
“Now what?”, responds the patron.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 beers. The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they’re gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re low.”
The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we’re drinking together.”
The bartender thinks it’s a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy’s three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, “Knowing your tradition, I’d just like to just say that I’m sorry you’ve lost a brother.”
The man replies, “Oh, my brothers are fine — I just quit drinking.”