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Jokes

Plastic Surgery

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.

“I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!”

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. “I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.”

“The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.”

“And what about the third rose?” she asked.

“That’s from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.”

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Lady Of The Night

A man looking for company hires a budget escort for $5.  The next morning the man discovered he now has a case of the crabs.

The man confronts the lady and said ” you gave me crabs!”

The lady replied, “what did you want?  Lobster?”

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Deer

What do you call a female deer in a pickle patch?

Dilldoe

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Sex Position

The best sex position is called wow.

It’s when I flip your mom over!

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Child Birth

After my wife gave birth, I asked the doctor how long it would be until we could have sex.

He said “I get done at 7 PM, meet me out back.”

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Viagra + Parrot

A parrot swallows one of his owner’s Viagra tablets. His owner is disgusted, puts him in the freezer for 30 minutes to cool off.

Later when he opens the freezer door, he finds the parrot sweating. “Why are you sweating?” he asks.

The parrot replies, “Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?”

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Jeans

My wife came up to me the other day and said “Do these jeans make me look fat?”

I said “Do you promise not to get mad at me no matter what I say?”

“Yes”

“Okay, I fucked your sister.”

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Santa

Why doesn’t Santa have any children?

He only comes down the chimney!

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Snowman

Why did the snowman drop his pants?

He heard a snowblower coming!

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Jokes

Little Blue Pill

My wife asked me to bring home some of those pills to help give me an erection. I brought her some diet pills.