My grief counselor died today.
Thankfully, he was so good that I don’t give a shit.
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Category: Jokes
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Girlfriend
How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting too fat?
She fits in your wife’s clothes.
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Bad timing
What to you call it when you get a boner at a funeral?
Mourning wood.
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Dear Satan
Dear Satan, for Christmas I would like you to cure my dislexia.
Doctor: Well, it looks like you are pregnant.
Woman: Oh my God, I’m pregnant?!
Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.
I passed a kid on the street. He was sitting on the curb and dressed in rags.
II asked him, “Are you an orphan?
He replied, “Yes. What gave me away?
I said, “Your parents.”
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Flat Earth
The only thing flat earthers have to fear…is sphere itself!
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Wife in Labor
A guy calls the hospital. He says, “You gotta send help! My wife’s going into labor!”
The nurse says, “Calm down. Is this her first child?”
He says, “No! This is her husband!”
A dad is washing the car with his son.
After a moment, the son asks his father, “Do you think we could use a sponge instead?”
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A Man Walks Into a Bar and Orders 3 Beers
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 beers. The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they’re gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re low.”
The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we’re drinking together.”
The bartender thinks it’s a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy’s three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, “Knowing your tradition, I’d just like to just say that I’m sorry you’ve lost a brother.”
The man replies, “Oh, my brothers are fine — I just quit drinking.”