What is the difference between an Indian and African elephant?
One of them is an Indian.
Category: Jokes
A man is driving a van full of penguins and is pulled over by a cop…
“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”
“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”
The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who quack at him.
“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I need you to take them to a zoo immediately.”
The man replies, “I’ll take them right away,” and drives off.
The next day, the police officer sees the same exact van driving by and to his astonishment, it is still full of penguins! He pulls the man over again, and notices that he and the penguins are all wearing sunglasses, sunscreen, and Hawaiian shirts.
The officer gapes and says, “Sir, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!”
“Yes, I did,” the man replies. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”
My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She got so mad and said she’s never gonna play scrabble with me ever again.
What do you call a dentist who doesn’t like tea?
Denis.
Categories
Baby Birds
If a bluebird has blue babies and a blackbird has black babies, what kind of bird has no babies?
A swallow!
Categories
Gene manipulation
What do you get when you mix Goat DNA and Human DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
Mike Tyson was thinking the other day.
He yelled out, “Thomeone help me! I can’t thwim.”
Categories
Pet Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink.
While he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy says, “No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.
“Now what?”, responds the patron.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”
Categories
Valentine’s Day
My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentine’s Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, “That’s probably why they’ve received flowers then.”
A blind man walks into a bar.
After ordering a drink, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”