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Jokes

Plastic Surgery

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.

“I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!”

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. “I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.”

“The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.”

“And what about the third rose?” she asked.

“That’s from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.”

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Grasshopper Walks Into a Bar

A grasshopper walks into a bar and takes a seat.  The grasshopper says “man I’m really depressed”.

The bartender says “I have a drink named after you that should cheer you up!”

The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Fred!?!”

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Lady Of The Night

A man looking for company hires a budget escort for $5.  The next morning the man discovered he now has a case of the crabs.

The man confronts the lady and said ” you gave me crabs!”

The lady replied, “what did you want?  Lobster?”

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Jokes

Full Moon

What do you call a house during a full moon?

A were-house

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Chicken

What do you call a chicken that is staring in lettuce?

Chicken ceas-a-salad!

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Knock Knock

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Yoda lady.

Yoda lady who?

Stop yodeling.

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Pool

At the pool today I peed in the deep end. The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle soooo loud that it startled me and I almost fell into the pool!

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Octopus

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles (tentacles)

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Deer

What do you call a female deer in a pickle patch?

Dilldoe

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Service Industry

If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work?

IHOP