As a kid,i used to lay in my twin bed wondering where my brother was.
Tag: Jokes
Some jokes. I’m not going to vouch for the quality, but they made me smile.
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Cheese Grater
Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as the most violent book she ever read!
A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer. The officer asks the lawyer “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“I haven’t the foggiest idea,” said the lawyer.
The officer replied, “You didn’t make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down.”
The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, “If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I’ll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?”
The officer ponders it shortly before nodding his head. “Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?”
Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, “Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?”
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Secret Service
Did you hear the secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked ?
They have to tell “Donald Duck!”
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, “I can’t stand the critism anymore.”
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe. As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, “That’s not how you spell criticism.”
I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it’s because she’s cute with big brown eyes. But it’s really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.
Two guys got mad at me because I called them as hipsters. Apparently, “conjoined twins” is the PC term for them.
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Jigsaw Puzzle
A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He then takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then….. he said with a deep sigh” …………
“Let’s put all these Corn Flakes back in the box
Teacher: I’m sorry, but your son has flunked the third grade. I thought the news should come from you instead of me.
Parent: I’m not sure how to break the news to him.
Teacher: Better do it slowly so the little dumbass can understand it.
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Santa-palegic
What would Santa Claus be called if he had no hands?
Canta Plaus