My wife left me a note on the fridge that said “It’s not working. I’m leaving to stay at my parents house”

I called her and said “Please come home… The fridge works fine!”

I went to McDonald’s today and ordered 2 large french fries. They messed up and gave me like 75 regular sized french fries.

What do you call a fear of giants?

Feefiphobia!

There are 6.02×10^23 guacas in a guacamole. That is Avacados Number.

What do you call a hippie’s wide?

Mississippi.

Today I changed a lightbulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.

My life is such a joke.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

It’s how I roll 😎

If you want to give a friend a gift he is sure to love, give him a refrigerator and watch his face light up when he opens it.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ Catholic.

What is the least spoken language in history?

Sign language.