I don’t want anymore kids, so I went to get a vasectomy. It didn’t work because the kids were still there when I got home.

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos, so my wife asked me to throw them out.

I did. Now I have no idea what to do with the tacos.

My wife left me a note on the fridge that said “It’s not working. I’m leaving to stay at my parents house”

I called her and said “Please come home… The fridge works fine!”

I went to McDonald’s today and ordered 2 large french fries. They messed up and gave me like 75 regular sized french fries.

What do you call a fear of giants?

Feefiphobia!

There are 6.02×10^23 guacas in a guacamole. That is Avacados Number.

What do you call a hippie’s wide?

Mississippi.

Today I changed a lightbulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.

My life is such a joke.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

It’s how I roll 😎