A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before.” “What can I get for you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
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Tag: clean
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!”
The officer laughs and says, “Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”
The wife replies: “Bullsht! He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months!”
Do you know why melons need to have large weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
A witch was riding her broom when she noticed all the other witches were riding vacuum cleaners.
She thought to herself “does anyone know how to drive a stick anymore?”
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Which Viewpoint?
Optimist: the glass is 1/2 full
Pessimist: the glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: 2-Jan
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A Gorilla Walks Into A Bar…
A gorilla walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender slides him a beer and says “That will be $11. We don’t get many gorillas coming in here.”
The gorilla says “With the prices you charge, I’m not surprised!”
Your mom is so short, when she went to the zoo, it was animal crackers!
I don’t want anymore kids, so I went to get a vasectomy. It didn’t work because the kids were still there when I got home.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos, so my wife asked me to throw them out.
I did. Now I have no idea what to do with the tacos.
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Separation
My wife left me a note on the fridge that said “It’s not working. I’m leaving to stay at my parents house”
I called her and said “Please come home… The fridge works fine!”